123 Bitch Street, The Doldrums….this is what I was thinking of actually formally changing my address to for the past few days. Not quite sure why, per se, but I have been in a roiling, disconcerted FUNK of late. I know that hormonally I am at a certain age where this news is not so earth-shattering that you just stood up in front of your monitor and screamed “What is wrong with Dharma?” but it has been a worry for me.
See, the women in my family suffer with mental illness. And not your garden-variety “Suzy’s got the bummers” kinda depression or mental illness either. I’m talking full-blown strapped to a table somewhere, incoherent madness. It has struck quite a few people in my family. We’ve run the gamut from manic-depression to schizophrenia to what I think is a case of out and out multiple personality disorder. Young, older, mid-stream….there is no pattern just the inevitability of wacko. Just ask me, I’ve been quietly looking to and fro for years knowing I’m one of the last sitting ducks in this familial pond.
Now, to be clear, my ho-hums do not classify as a spirally downward into a dark abyss….but they always do make me more nervous than most I think. Somewhere along the fringes of my thoughts, there is that little sniveling kid walking alongside me chanting “Dharma’s losing her mind, Dharma’s losing her mind….”
I always feel like I have to be “cheerier” or “tougher” than everyone else or that kid is going to be right. I have had therapy in the past over this issue and that may warrant a revisit but for now I’m just doing as instructed and blogging about myself here…where in a weird open-to-the-world’s-eyes I am safe.
See, the women in my family suffer with mental illness. And not your garden-variety “Suzy’s got the bummers” kinda depression or mental illness either. I’m talking full-blown strapped to a table somewhere, incoherent madness. It has struck quite a few people in my family. We’ve run the gamut from manic-depression to schizophrenia to what I think is a case of out and out multiple personality disorder. Young, older, mid-stream….there is no pattern just the inevitability of wacko. Just ask me, I’ve been quietly looking to and fro for years knowing I’m one of the last sitting ducks in this familial pond.
Now, to be clear, my ho-hums do not classify as a spirally downward into a dark abyss….but they always do make me more nervous than most I think. Somewhere along the fringes of my thoughts, there is that little sniveling kid walking alongside me chanting “Dharma’s losing her mind, Dharma’s losing her mind….”
I always feel like I have to be “cheerier” or “tougher” than everyone else or that kid is going to be right. I have had therapy in the past over this issue and that may warrant a revisit but for now I’m just doing as instructed and blogging about myself here…where in a weird open-to-the-world’s-eyes I am safe.
Mostly because my Mom doesn’t have a computer….lol
you are your wonderful open big hearted self...you are not your family or anyone else... if you are scared find someone who can reassure you...but you know that the reverberations of the loss and greif on the forum may well have had something to do with your inexplicable feelings of crapness... it has been that way with me.... be kind to yoru lovely self Dharma...
ReplyDeleteJane - you may just have a point there, the MMB has always affected me deeply and the loss of late has been hard for so many. I hadn't thought of that....but that is why I have you ;) I hope the "crapness" passes for you soon too my friend.
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