The meaning of "Santa love"

Every Christmas, on the last day of school, one of my employees (a Crossing Guard) at a public school dresses up like Santa. He's elderly and fills out the suit appropriately He has a sac and pockets full of candy canes...Vic is probably one of my favourite peopleon the planet but this cinches the deal every year.

I always make sure to drive past him on my way to work on this day and honk and wave. This morning was no different, there he was, jolly old St Nick (St. Vic - lol), handing out candy canes and waving at passing cars...The tears came to my eyes after I pulled through the intersection. A little girl, about 6 years old, was running towards the crossing. I have almost never seen a more beautific smile and more shining, excited eyes than on that little girl as she ran towards Santa this morning....smiling, waving, laughing.....and whether you celebrate or not, that is "love".

And it made me teary eyed this morning.

Am I ready to be over it?

So, at my birthday party, my Mom and Dad sat together. This felt like it was happening thru a haze of jello I had to squint through and I had to keep looking at them to make sure I was seeing what I thought I saw. I explained this to Greg last night, in the dark, so he couldn't see me crying.

"It's like having a knife in you, your whole life. You know it's there, it's painful, but it's what you know. Then someone just walks past you nonchalantly and pulls it out, painlessly like it was never there....and you have no idea what to do. It's like what you thought you knew is now over and now you have to move on and you have no idea how."

I am still processing that along with the coffee date at Mom's the following night. My Dad sitting in my Mom's kitchen, laughing, them sharing stories that I don't remember because we were too young to ever remember them happy....

I wonder what was so much more important to them in their anger than giving us this gift 32 years ago....

A gift.....

Today my cyber-friend Mountain Goddess sent me a poem she had written for me and Liam.

I have no words to express my gratitude.

BC Boy

Scented in cedar

he runs

always in my mind's

eye

Mountains,

gracious towering wall

between me

and love

My heart and his

always

stolen

from our raincoast

home

Let the rain fall

into my open hand

Fright Night

This night and tomorrow I will be decorating the house, getting ready to welcome over 30+ friends, kids and neighbours into our home for HALLOWEEN! My true religious holiday :) I love Halloween, it speaks to the child in me who always wanted to be a princess, no a Troll, no a Donkey, no a Robot....I love that my friends get into the spirit. I love that Greg makes decorating the house an EVENT....I am looking forward to all of the fun in store....and because I can't wait, Quinn and I are going to a Haunted Firehall tonight for some creepy pre-Halloween goosebumps :) :)

Happy Halloween all.

Ladies and Gentlemen....

I give you my brand new tattoo.....which in my opinion turned out beautiful if not a bit bigger than anticipated. I have waited so long to do this that it felt cathartic in making her a reality. My hour+ in the artist's chair could not have been made more comfortable. My sister kept me focused and busy looking at a book of body tattoos that probably took lifetimes to amass. That made me feel pretty humble about my wee girlie here. Tim (the artist) was very accomodating and respectful. He is a talented dude for sure and said he appreciated "popping a beautiful woman's *cherry* so early on a saturday morning"...LOL...referring hopefully to the fact that this was my "first time".

I am so pleased with her. She is as powerful, gorgeous and feminine as was intended.

Thankful

I have always felt that Thanksgiving is kind of a pointless holiday for Canadians. In fact I wonder how we ended up with a version of the American pilgrim dealio at all...However, being a government employee for the last decade I am *thankful* for the extra day off and I really appreciate the fact that NO stores are open so I have no excuse but to lie about digesting the dinner from Sunday :)

That being said this is the first year that I have had “MY” family around me in any sort of numbers for this Faux-Turkey Gobbling day and I have to tell you I got a misty twinge in my eye when all of us said what we were thankful for around that table. Each of the kids said “family” first and foremost with the exception of Liam who was thankful for his dessert fork! LMAO My Sis and I agreed that we were most thankful for the health of our families and I think secretly my Mum was most thankful that her gravy turned out!

So we had Greg’s family dinner on Saturday night and then my smaller version of a family’s dinner on Sunday. A proper family meal in my Mum’s new house with my Sis and her family. What a treat (and I am also making reference to my Mother’s cabbage rolls – of which I have been bereft for a decade).

For that (and all of the above) I am truly thankful.

I should....

I’m trying to scrabble around on my mental floorboards these days and find my “big girl panties”….I’m trying to embrace the idea that I am going to turn 40 in a few months time. When I reflect on this time in my life, mostly I come to the realization that truly in my mind I am still 22. Still irreverent, the class clown, the smartass.

I’m still stringing it together one day at a time, lurching through my life feeling as goofy and as unprepared as I ever did. Which to be truthful, I expected to be over by the time I was 4-0!!!! I mean really, I am the mother of a teenager. For God’s sake I thought the self-doubt and schoolgirl notions would have long past dissipated into a mist of wisdom and inner calm. I was unprepared for feeling like I just left highschool and still had yet to get my shit together.

Grounded as my life seems to be, mired in responsibility and stuffed full of “shoulds”, I think I am ready for a break out moment. A moment that is truly selfish and I have now decided that I will follow my bliss in declaring myself to be my own. My body to be my own. Regardless of the strings and entanglements that are attached to it and me.

So I go into this time with a declaration that although I hold many titles….mother, wife, professional, sister, auntie, volunteer…..I am truly at the core of it all Carla. In that I am decided that I have always wanted to get a tattoo (regardless of what anyone else thinks of them) and that this will be my gift to myself in my 40th year.

My long attachment to water speaks to me wherever I have lived, moved…in the water I have always been truly beautiful and free, emersed in a feeling of warmth, at peace in nature and in my life. So I have chosen a mermaid to be placed in the center of my back so that when I turn my back on myself in the mirror I am reminded that the other side of me, the other side of Carla still swims inside the body of that woman who owns all those “shoulds” and that she is strong, capable, beautiful and is still the same fabulous smartass she always has been.

I am.

Because I have enough love if not enough time....

Pudge is his name, he is currently living in our home on a trial basis. So far so good. The only issue Pudge seems to have is that he has never seen a cat. YIKES Hopefully a truce can be called within the house soon, if not Pudge is going to be quite a handful. :) So I guess it's a good thing he is so damn cute. The boys are in like but I'm kinda in love.

I like to be spontaneous. I think it is a rare and precious thing to allow yourself the luxury of being so. Most of my “spontaneous combustion” involves doing something for others. Some of the things I like to do are:

A) impromptu dinners out with my guys just cause
B) buying a present for someone outta the blue when I know it’s a sure thing for smiles all around
C) going somewhere on the fly….no plans….just happy accidents waiting to happen
D) doing an activity out of the ordinary for the experience (i.e. belly dance classes)
E) bringing in treats to work on a Tuesday (or a Thursday or Friday morning….lol)
F) picking my sister up from work randomly so she doesn’t have to walk
G) midnight beach swimming with my girlfriends
H) finding and taking advantage of quiet times alone that I can manage to coordinate
I) random acts of kindess (my FAVOURITE thing in the world to do)

Do you practice the art of “spontaneity”?

I guess some people would think that doing or starting spontaneous things, activities etc are a sign of a random mind or a lack of direction. Some friends and family of mine think I’m just plain OUT THERE….but I think developing the art of being random opens us to experiences and people that maybe we never would have had the opportunity to enjoy. I prefer to look at random or spontaneous events as gifts ready to be unwrapped. Gifts of joy. Living a safe existence peering over the chasm of opportunity doesn’t resonate with me I guess. I prefer to leap and to do so with wide outstretched arms, smiling into the fray. Call me crazy.

Today I completed some spontaneous efforts:

· I bought two tickets to an NFL game for my Greg and Liam to enjoy this Sunday while Quinn and I attend a birthday party.
· I overheard a woman at our YMCA asking about our transit service here in Town (I coordinate that of course for our community) so I stopped and offered to walk to Town Hall with her and get her registered for the handi-dart service. She was so pleased!!!
· I know my niece Maya wants a ticket to the dance tonight so I got her one.
· I emailed my sister and advised her I had bought us a copy of the Diana Gabaldon book just out this week….cannot wait to get into that!

You?

Because I am never busy enough....

Greg, the boys and I have been discussing getting a dog. We had a hot lead on a brand new puppy from a work acquaintance last weekend.....but that (mercifully) fell through. After much consideration and talking about the whole "puppy situation" that turned out to be a big bummer last weekend, our family has come to the conclusion that we are NOT ready for a puppy.

All things happen for a cosmic good.

However, we are ready for a dog. A big, friendly, housetrained already, really in need of a great home....d. o. g. Puppies sound to me like lunacy now now that the fuzzy feel-good craziness has worn off.....getting a puppy might just as well be kinda like letting a newborn that can run into your home with no diaper on!!!!! Upon further discussion and research we are looking into rescuing a pooch from an area organization with an excellent pedigree itself in placing hundreds of unwanted/ rescued/ fostered pups. We can absorb the cost and make sure we have a great fit for Pup and Family.

So now I prowl the pages of UglyMutts.com....to find our new friend. Wish us luck.

From the DailyOm

September 22, 2009: Mapping the Inner Journey & Journaling as Meditation

"Of the countless forms of meditation we can use, journaling offers its own unique benefits. Most meditations help empty the mind of concerns and bring positive ideas from our mental landscape, but journaling helps us anchor that experience in the material world. Not every person is attracted to meditating in seated silence, and journal meditation is a nice alternative as an active meditation. It allows us to trace our journey and see where we have grown and what lessons we may be repeating. By employing a different part of the brain than creative or inspired thought, writing or typing a journal can create a greater sense of connection and union with our physical selves and the world around us."

Oh, so that's why I'm doing this!

Here I thought this was just an exercise in self-indulgence. But I guess when you live a busy cluttered life, where the demands upon you include work, kids, marriage, shopping, paying the bills, friends, extracurricular activities, gardening, pet care, cooking, cleaning, man o man I could just keep going on and on here……lol. I guess you need an outlet.

For me that outlet used to be scrapbooking but the damn digital camera I have has brought that process to a halt. Not that I don’t KNOW that I have to burn all the pics I want printed or print them myself….it’s just putting that into motion and actually DOING anything about it.

So I blog. So I am.

Drive, she said....

So apparently I’m a man, and I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis. All I can dream about these days is the car my old boyfriend used to drive. A 1969 Pontiac Firebird 400 convertible. I looked pretty good sitting in that car but I always looked better driving it. I have long involved dreams, mostly I think “driven” by real memories, centered on experiences I had in that car. All kinds of experiences.

Each time I dream about that car, I wake up with an itchy right foot. I want that car back, without the anchor-ex-boyfriend though…lol. Is this my version of mid-life crisis?

I have always been a roadtrip kinda gal. I have driven farther for a party than anyone I know. Once to go to a nightclub opening from Vancouver to San Francisco and once to meet a group of online friends from the SARK board starting from Ontario to Lancaster, Pennsylvania! I just love the open road, the feeling of being just on the verge of being lost. Over the years I have had numerous discussions with women who fear driving on highways, don’t go farther than the next city etc. and I have to say I just don’t get it.

Really I think I’m in need of a proper roadtrip….anywhere. Just my muscle car and me.

Trust, gossip and me....

Gossip has been a hot topic amongst my friends lately. Particularly, damaging third-hand stuff.

I must admit I feel a bit like the Olympia Dukakis character in Steel Magnolias who says "Hunny, if you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone, come sit by me" when girlfriends start to dish on one another. It is fascinating stuff sometimes. Mind you hearing passed on info that essentially shakes free someone's closet boneyard can be rather smarmy feeling after you've heard the lurid details. Have you ever heard something about someone and then thought secretly...."I need a shower"

But do I really want/ need to know this information? How does it hurt or damage the person being talked about? Mostly, I try to consider the source and see what derision of power or glee the "teller" is getting from the story. Is the gossip being purveyed with someone's best interests or is it malicious???

I have been known to get my gossip on, especially when smarting or hurt by someone. Mostly I have
tried to grow up past this in the last ten years and have actually had to carve friendships away from myself with women who live in the misery of other's drama....So how do I feel about it now? I'm sitting with this and making desicions...mostly about how I want to proceed and be percieved.

Let's face it, I sure as shit don't need anyone strolling my skeletons outta my closet. That's why my closest girlfriends (who have all sorts of info on me) are called my "Graveyard Girls"....cause that is where we will finally be able to tell all ;) If my sister is laid to rest next to me you'll still hear giggling into the next millenium....:)

Have anyone like that? A "bosom friend" as Ann Shirley would say that could basically set people's hair on fire with what she knows about you? How does it feel having that kind of info roaming the Earth? Do you still trust her????

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. ~Spanish Proverb

So...there's this thing I'm afraid of...

And that darlin' is my weight. Now, let us be clear here. I have been a "big girl" since I was about 12. I mean over 160 lbs at 12. Mind you, I was also over 5 foot 8 but thats dickering. So after 27 years past 12, and 40+ pounds past 160....it is time to face the fats dear ones. I am going to be 40 in 3 months.....did you hear that? That's the sound of all my cells bunching together and shrieking!

"FOUR" and "O" which truly if that was a stat for a football team would be a good start to a season, but to me sounds like a small whisper starting in the background of my consciousness saying sneeringly....."you're getting old sweetheart....how long can you keep up this lifestyle???"

You know, which is a fair fuckin' question really.

I still smoke (albeit moderately but there it is), I drink on weekends and on the occasional Wednesday or Thursday night...OK, I drink. I eat like my 13 year old 128 pound 6 foot 2 inch son. Which is kinda like watching a guy shovel food down his gullet and guard over his plate like he is in jail...I do all the WRONG STUFF!!!

So I am turning this attitude/ lifestyle on itself, if I can be such a CHAMPION at doing all the wrong stuff, it cannot be hard to start to excel at doing the RIGHT STUFF (you know all that shit Dr. Oz keeps prattling on about??).

So I have rejoined the YMCA and have actually showed up twice this week over my lunch hours! I have packed my lunch all week, with healthy options I may add. I have not had any snacks after 7pm all week and I am on-track with my Homeopathic remedies and have started seeing the new (right on) Chiroprator for me. All of this only goes to prove and makes me think....

Fuck I'm old.

Introductions please....

So I guess by way of introduction......I'm Dharma. I'm 39 years old and counting. I'm married with 2 sons living on the far south panhandle of Ontario, Canada. I aspire to live my life purposefully and "out loud" so as to drink in as much life, love and joy as I can while I am on this planet. This is my blog.