Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #8

You may not know this about me, but I'm a tad blunt.

No, really. Ask anyone that knows me.

That being said, this condition (which is kind of like having your "ladylike filter" removed for all time) has gotten me into a myriad of hot water over the years. Not including the times where I have frustrated bosses/ kids/ husband/ lovers/ family members etc. to the point of stammering and yelling at me, I can say resolutely that I have brought some people to a stalk, silent standstill. This condition is fueled to a degree of nuclear proportions when I drink.

When I drink wine, it can be epic to be in my company. No, really. Ask my sister.

It would stand to reason then, that being my friend or relative would entail keeping an eye on what I am consuming. How much and how quickly. I know, I know, I should be doing that for myself, but hey, I'm a social gal and I talk a lot (insert eyeroll from my BFFs here) and I have had a tendency to lose track in the past.  You know, when I was younger. LOL

So, when out with me, when you see me on white wine #5.....this is the SOP (standard operating procedure) that my friends and family have devised.

1) Start the car.

2) Extricate Dharma from the direct vicinity of the person she is speaking to/ at. Like, now.

3) Grab all of Dharma's belongings.

4) Hand off Dharma to (hopefully present) other BFF/Sista and explain that we are at CODE WHITE!

5) Return to person/people spoken to and apologize profusely giving them a fake name for the person they just got away from....

6) Call Greg and explain that we are going out for a late night coffee.

7) Coffee stat.

This procedure has been adhered to with mostly acceptable results. Except when the person who got to be the focus of one of my white wine fumbled-interventions turned out to be a future co-worker who would have recognized me anytime and anywhere. Thankfully she had the ladylike filter and did not bring this up while I waited next to her desk at the interview.

She did however ask me why my resume said Dharma and not Susan ;)

Kudos to my sister for being the most effective wingman in history. Triple kudos to her for keeping me on beer for most of the evenings we have gone out together. You are so wise.

You are the best, babe! Especially at 10:25 a.m. - ummm I have to figure out that damn camera!

Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #7 - Xmas Edition

When Greg and I moved to Ontario from out west we stayed with his parents for a while…..a long while. Ladies and Gentlemen, hold onto your seats for this little factoid:

I lived with my Mother-in-Law for TWO YEARS!

When we arrived here we had three things. A sixteen month old baby, an SUV we were trying to unload and a mountain of debt. The following is a list of what we did not have:

1)      Jobs

2)      Any semblance of household goods

3)      A Home

4)      Money

5)      Patience

6)      A plan

Someday I will tell you all about driving across the country alone to get here, someday.

Anyhoooooooo…..it is our Christmas tradition to spend Xmas Eve with Greg’s clan. Every year I get my marching orders from my beloved MIL, Wanda. You heard me, her name is Wanda. Wanda is the most giving, caring woman but there is one little thing about Wanda that is accepted by her family and has come to be accepted by us out-laws as well. Wanda is a CONTROL FREAK. Not as in, would like things her way, I mean demands that things are done in her time, on her schedule to her specifications and yes, they will be inspected. God help you if they don’t measure up. She also thinks that every other human being on the planet is completely mentally challenged and needs her help and guidance.

Cue Xmas Eve 2003. Dharma is told to bring scalloped potatoes. Not boxed, homemade. With 3 kinds of melted cheese. At least a large roasting pans worth. Lightly peppered and with coarse salt (not fine). I KID NOT.

She phoned me everyday for at least a week. Reminders of directions, questions on how I was coming along……”Did you buy Yukon Gold potatoes today?” The more she called, the more I seethed. I worked until noon that Xmas Eve and ran home already sweating about getting those potatoes into the oven. I had prepared them the night before layering them to Wanda’s instruction, I peppered lightly, I used the kosher rock salt, I grated 3 kinds of cheese….

As I toiled over them Xmas Eve afternoon and then while I waited for them to cook I started to drink a bottle of wine I had gotten as a gift at work. By 4 pm I had finished off the bottle, bitching about Greg’s mother to Greg the whole time. I was mad. I wrapped up the roaster in a bath towel (as instructed) and we bundled up the boys to go to Gramma’s place.

When we entered, she immediately swooped down upon me like waiting carrion. “So? So? How did they turn out? They’re not burnt are they? Did you set the timer like I told you?”

Seated in the kitchen were the great grandparents, little children spilling out over the kitchen nook and all my inlaws. I looked her dead in the eye (full of grape induced  courage) and said….

“I did exactly as instructed, since I’ve had nothing but INSTRUCTION since last Friday, Wanda. Here’s your FUCKIN’ potatoes”!!!!!!

 To this day, I have to bring the “fuckin’ potatoes every year. They were amazing. God damn it. 

Merry Xmas everyone.

Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #6

From my friend Karen who knows how much I miss my glass of red:
 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli)  bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #4

Here’s the story…..of a girl named Dharma….who found out that she had developed a late allergic reaction to red wine. It was quite a shock, she had been enjoying the red grape for many years prior to this single, defining event in her life….but alas the stars fell out of alignment and the sea rose more than 13 inches thus her relationship with all things Merlot, Shiraz, Pinot Noir etc…. was over.

Oh, and her relationship with Brent and Charlene (the names have been changed to protect the innocent victims) was over.

Flashback with me, if you will, over 4 years ago when I was out with my BFF. Our friends (a man I work with and his wife) had invited us over for a drink after some power shopping. We were out of town and would have to drive home. Immediately upon arrival, being a gracious host, Brent poured me a glass of red wine. Then he poured me another. At this point my BFF knew she was driving and in charge so I accepted the third glass….

Within 5 minutes my whole face felt like I was on fire. Not a good sign.

I crazily left my seat falling onto the floor, staggered upstairs to their washroom, clutching the handrails, weebling like a toddler. I *knew* something was horribly wrong. Actually, everyone knew something was horribly wrong.

Trying to remember the layout of my workmate’s home from previous visits I staggered into the washroom only to let fly with the most horrendous, vomitrocious spew I have ever experienced in my life. It was dark red and coming out of me like I had become a garden sprinkler….. Unfortunately the lights were out and I was sure I had thrown up all over their washroom only intermittently hitting the actual toilet.

Wrong.

I had mistakenly, because this is my luck, walked into their master suite and just spewed red wine all over their new Irish lace duvet set and beige carpet.

My BFF gathered me up, shouting something about having everything cleaned, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry" and sending me the cleaning bill….she put me into her car and took me home. I remember absolutely nothing about the night, the trip, coming home or most of the next morning….

I do however remember that I am now allergic to red wine. I also know that my BFF is my actual BFF

Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #3

Inevitably I do things and then post them on Facebook that may or may not make me look like a SUPERGEEK! Not that I have had any wine per se before these incidents but they serve as a constant and vigilant reminder that I do ridiculous shit even without the aid of the Evil Grape.

 

Exhibit A

Why I Don't Drink Wine Wednesday #2

At one point in a wine drinking session, I decided I would finally try to dye my hair the shade of red I had always *thought* would look FABULOUS on me......yah well......

Welcome to "Why I don't drink wine Wednesday"

This poor woman was a bridesmaid at my girlfriend Laura's wedding. Her poor husband sat beside me for the reception. When she got to our table I had been drinking wine. Only wine. It was a mostly dry wedding so I was outta luck on the bourbon....sooooooo, well she had made a comment about her boobs being too large for the dress Laura had picked out....

I was ever so sweet to highlight this in the reception photos. Sigh. When will I learn that Chardonnay is not my friend? Thanks to Sunny at Life in Rehab for the inspiration behind my new weekly feature:

"Why I don't drink wine Wednesday"