I’m trying to scrabble around on my mental floorboards these days and find my “big girl panties”….I’m trying to embrace the idea that I am going to turn 40 in a few months time. When I reflect on this time in my life, mostly I come to the realization that truly in my mind I am still 22. Still irreverent, the class clown, the smartass.
I’m still stringing it together one day at a time, lurching through my life feeling as goofy and as unprepared as I ever did. Which to be truthful, I expected to be over by the time I was 4-0!!!! I mean really, I am the mother of a teenager. For God’s sake I thought the self-doubt and schoolgirl notions would have long past dissipated into a mist of wisdom and inner calm. I was unprepared for feeling like I just left highschool and still had yet to get my shit together.
Grounded as my life seems to be, mired in responsibility and stuffed full of “shoulds”, I think I am ready for a break out moment. A moment that is truly selfish and I have now decided that I will follow my bliss in declaring myself to be my own. My body to be my own. Regardless of the strings and entanglements that are attached to it and me.
So I go into this time with a declaration that although I hold many titles….mother, wife, professional, sister, auntie, volunteer…..I am truly at the core of it all Carla. In that I am decided that I have always wanted to get a tattoo (regardless of what anyone else thinks of them) and that this will be my gift to myself in my 40th year.
My long attachment to water speaks to me wherever I have lived, moved…in the water I have always been truly beautiful and free, emersed in a feeling of warmth, at peace in nature and in my life. So I have chosen a mermaid to be placed in the center of my back so that when I turn my back on myself in the mirror I am reminded that the other side of me, the other side of Carla still swims inside the body of that woman who owns all those “shoulds” and that she is strong, capable, beautiful and is still the same fabulous smartass she always has been.
I’m still stringing it together one day at a time, lurching through my life feeling as goofy and as unprepared as I ever did. Which to be truthful, I expected to be over by the time I was 4-0!!!! I mean really, I am the mother of a teenager. For God’s sake I thought the self-doubt and schoolgirl notions would have long past dissipated into a mist of wisdom and inner calm. I was unprepared for feeling like I just left highschool and still had yet to get my shit together.
Grounded as my life seems to be, mired in responsibility and stuffed full of “shoulds”, I think I am ready for a break out moment. A moment that is truly selfish and I have now decided that I will follow my bliss in declaring myself to be my own. My body to be my own. Regardless of the strings and entanglements that are attached to it and me.
So I go into this time with a declaration that although I hold many titles….mother, wife, professional, sister, auntie, volunteer…..I am truly at the core of it all Carla. In that I am decided that I have always wanted to get a tattoo (regardless of what anyone else thinks of them) and that this will be my gift to myself in my 40th year.
My long attachment to water speaks to me wherever I have lived, moved…in the water I have always been truly beautiful and free, emersed in a feeling of warmth, at peace in nature and in my life. So I have chosen a mermaid to be placed in the center of my back so that when I turn my back on myself in the mirror I am reminded that the other side of me, the other side of Carla still swims inside the body of that woman who owns all those “shoulds” and that she is strong, capable, beautiful and is still the same fabulous smartass she always has been.
I am.
you are the mermaid you dream of... strong mysterious other-worldly capable of magic...
ReplyDelete40 or otherwise you will always be her
hearing you loud and clear!
I made my appointment today for Saturday, October 17th....send me calming vibes :)
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